BREAKING NEWS: Swimmer Takes Rest and Feels Better!

“BREAKING NEWS: Swimmer Takes Rest and Feels Better!” - well duh, right. But I’m here to state the obvious because if you’re like me, you might need to hear it. In honor of the darkest day of the year, I have some things to say about Seasonal Affective Disorder and self care in general. It’s difficult and not talked about enough.

I’ve always felt sad side effects as daylight savings time ends, but the past couple years with the double whammy of postseason blues and seasonal depression has made it hit harder. As I’ve refined my swimming goals, I’ve put more pressure on myself during these times to just try to maintain some kind of schedule, but it never goes to plan. As the water at the beach gets colder, I try to force myself to endure it better. And do I really need more than 2 weeks of rest? I’ve been able to snap back into shape and out of the mood come January, but October-December of 2020 and 2021 hit me with so much exhaustion, burnout, and all around lack of motivation in everything I did. And some guilt that I can’t maintain the schedules I made.

I've only gone to the beach when I feel like it this Fall, but times like these make it hard to stay away!

But this year has been different. The thing is, more dark = more sleep. Things feel slower when the sun sets up here in NYC at 4:30. So what I’ve done to improve may not sound shocking or groundbreaking, but I think we can all do this better – I’ve been nice to myself and let myself do whatever I need to recharge.

In September in the weeks after Memphre and October in the weeks after the Bermuda 10k, I rested. Mentally I hadn’t wanted to – coming off a packed season, I had no motivation lost in that I wanted to keep pushing, but I physically could not. In hindsight, I began to appreciate just how hard I did push myself. In the past couple seasons, I came off of them feeling like I could have done more. This year, no freaking way. All my swimming those months walked a delicate balance between rested, out of shape, and completely lethargic – a really unsettling combo. I even said no to an event that could have extended the season further – some social FOMO, but no regrets.

In November as I tried to rebuild, the lethargy stayed. So I kept at the rest. 1-2 swims a week was what I could manage. I slept through many early morning alarms. When my body wanted 10 hours of sleep multiple nights in a row, I didn’t question it, I allowed it. Once I even put on my swimsuit and then gave up and went back to bed. Sometimes I couldn’t get out of bed without the promise of good coffee, so I treated myself to a little walk for some pumpkin spice. I started every day with my natural light lamp. I told myself I’d make the 3 hour round trip subway trek to the beach only went I felt like it again, and that wasn’t till Thanksgiving. I said no a lot – no to practice when I didn’t feel like it, no to social events if I felt like they would drain instead of energize. There was much more crochet, cat cuddles, and binge watching than physical activity. I got a sinus infection that sidelined me for a bit and instead of trying to pile back on my schedule as soon as I felt better like I usually do, I eased back into it.

A typical weeknight for me. Athletic NA beer that doesn't make me miss the real thing at all, and I can say with confidence hangovers didn't contribute to the fact that I'm just so sleepy all the time!

Red Tide Masters Swimming has been a big highlight this Fall – we finally got our favorite pool at John Jay College back. I’d normally swim on my own this time of year but we’ve been making a huge attendance and membership push – pool rental prices have nearly doubled, and as the new VP of the organization, I wanted to do everything I could to help support us. It’s been a lot easier to stay positive and motivated with the company of this growing team, and there’s been a palpable vibe shift on deck recently– everyone is getting back into their routines, we’re gaining lots of new members, and we’re becoming a big family.

President and VP - I love working with Susan! Only great things lie ahead for the team.

I haven’t worn my Garmin to a practice since August and done my best not to look at the clock. The first few times I showed back up, cruising was manageable but adding any kind of intensity or speedplay left me feeling completely gassed. Instead of getting frustrated, I set new goals, like legal IM’s, no 1 armed butterfly, working on breathing more to the side my kayak isn’t on. I showed up on days where the base difference between lanes 1 and 2 had a :20 second gap per 100 and instead of chasing some tails, I punched downward with no second thoughts, knowing that I’m in the valley of the cycle. My mantra was “it can’t get any worse.”

In one notable November weekend practice, we had a bunch of out of town drop ins. On deck, one of these visitors struck up a conversation with me about the Memphremagog ice swimming festival when he saw some of my swag I was wearing from this past year. We talked about ice swimming, longer cold swims, and the conversation promptly ended when he said, and I quote, “you’re too skinny for that.”

It’s something I’ve heard before, but it was one of the first times that I didn’t believe it. For the first time, I thought just how ridiculous it is that someone sized me up for 1 minute and then said that to my face and how it doesn’t really mean anything. Hearing it again, considering the source, and dissecting it at 1,000 feet made it easy for me to roll that comment off my shoulder. I only think about it now because it’s taught me that I need to consider the source from where this talk comes from most frequently– myself. If we could all dissect our negative self talk from 1,000 feet, what would we say about it? That it’s correct? Probably not. There’s maybe a little truth and a lot of fear and doubt behind it. But in the moment, it can be detrimental.

This meme has always spoken to me, he needs a break even if it's not convenient and he just wants to sip his coffee and recharge, dammit!

And so in that spirit, I rethought the November mantra “It can’t get any worse,” and reframed December into “it’s only going to get better.” Fewer practices felt lethargic and descending intervals became less painful and more fun.

Our 100 x 100 holiday swim challenge comes at the least motivating time of the year for me. In 2020 I was so burnt out and felt like it was pointless so I didn’t even try it. In 2021, I kicked 80, swam 20 just weeks after wrist surgery. This past Saturday I decided to try the fastest interval, knowing I might not be prepared, but oh well. A couple of days before the event, a 1:35 lane emerged and it was really, really tempting to change my signup. But, I stayed in 1:30, in the back of the lane the whole time, sharing it with a bunch of pool swimming ANIMALS. I mean that in a good way but holy crap these people are ridiculous! While they got 20+ seconds rest, where I’m at right now got me 7-10. It was slightly demoralizing to flip at the 75 and see the splashes and speedo of the 2nd to last person more than halfway down the pool already. Kind of felt like moving down at 30, but by 40 I remembered that distance is what I do and although I thought I WANTED more rest, but I don’t NEED it. I wasn’t uncomfortable. The past couple months were the opposite: I needed rest even if I didn’t want it, but I took it and now it’s paying dividends. By #60, I relaxed at that pace knowing I’d made the right decision to stick it out.

Success!

All this to say, especially with the holidays being a really busy time, sometimes you just need to take a break. A real break. One that lasts longer than you think it needs to, one that you don’t cut short just because you think you’re recharged enough. And that’s the most valuable lesson I’ve learned in a while. Here’s to many lighter days ahead!